Cultivating lies

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My cousin claims he is sick of lies. He says though they have worked to his advantage on plenty of occasions in the past, he has decided to reduce his usage of them. To explain how he reached about this decision he told me the following:

—My Cousin—

Lies are among the most cheerful growers of all things on earth.  I rarely come across a lie that fails to multiply from its initial single state to a huge family of lies containing all varieties of untruths; big, small and everything in between. Why, just take this instance from last year as an example. At the beginning of last year I began circulating a lie about me having a girlfriend. When my friends got wind of it, they all inquired about “the lucky girl” and so I had to furnish a dozen more lies concerning her name, where we met, her age and stuff like that. After a while my friends got to grow to want to see her. Of course I couldn’t just produce her because she didn’t exist, the only I could do was to make up some excuses (lies). It wasn’t long before I started running out of excuses though because… you know, we live in a small town and you have to stressfully structure your life not to be seen by everyone to actually not be seen by everyone. Further excuses wouldn’t do. So what was I to do when my lies threatened to catch up with me?  Lie more of course. Well actually what I did was to edit the original lie a little and say “we met online” and “she lives in the next town”. I thought that would fetch me a break but boy was I wrong.

Before I knew it, it was Valentine’s Day. A few day before Valentine’s love was in the air – as per usual I guess – and my friends were expecting me to go and visit my girlfriend or for her to come and visit me. Just one problem there, the girl existed not. I tried to find a her girl who was willingly to pretend to be my girlfriend only on Valentine’s Day but all the girls I talked to said it was a stupid idea and turned me down coldly so I ended up just locking myself in the house for a couple of days – Valentine’s Eve and Valentine’s Day – to create the impression that I had travelled. Then I produced myself and told my friends that I had had a “wonderful VD with my girlfriend” My friends innocently asked for pictures, so again I had to use up my creativity in furnishing another lie. At this point I thought to myself that I had cultivated my lie so well that it could easily survive on its own and hence let me have an easier time of it.  But I soon found out different. People never want to just mind their own business as you know and my people – friends and family wouldn’t let the girlfriend issue rest.  Finally I couldn’t take it any more and decided I needed to come up with a lie that would redeem me. The only lie that could reasonably save me was this I judged “my girlfriend and I have broken up” and it saved me sure enough, thank God.

Now, I am not going to tell you to never ever lie because a dude has to lie every once in a while but try your best not to. Do it only when its necessary. I say this not because I want you to be a better person but for your piece of mind.

—The end—

“And that is all he said about the matter, before I put my two cents in and changed the topic” – C.W

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A fight for souls

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My preacher friend keeps calling me, calling me and telling me about the fight for souls that is taking place in the spiritual world. He claims that our father in the heavens (a.k.a God) and the father of demons (a.k.a the Devil, a.k.a Satan, a.k.a any bad name you can thing of) are at each other’s necks day and night, trying to claim as many souls as possible. I told him – my preacher friend – that I don’t believe this kind of talk and asked him for proof; he said God personally told him all these things through Skype, or Facebook or Myspace, hmm… I really can’t remember now. It can’t be Myspace though, no one goes there I reckon. It should be Facebook, and in fact it is because I can remember he said God just “popped” him. Anyway not to go into too much detail, my friend says our souls (our, as in human beings) will go to heaven or the other side after we die and that their destination will affect greatly how much we enjoy the afterlife.

According to my friend, how I behave is vital to who wins the fight (God vs the Devil) as far as my soul is concerned. He encourages me to repent and give my life to the “all mighty”. I told him its fine, my behaviour is not generally bad (for a human being) and besides I don’t have any plans for my soul after I die, matter of fact I am putting it up for sell.Yes, anyone who would like to claim ownership of my soul when I die should send me an email (thedudewhoissellinghissoul@notkidding.com). But be warned, the price for my soul is not negotiable. Know that it is not leaving my hands for anything less than 1 a million dollars. Now, I am not sure what the general price for a soul is on the market at moment but I think my soul is good enough to fetch that price. My soul is very ripped and muscular, with sexy abs, broad shoulders and huge arms. It stands 6 feet tall and has a genuinely handsome smile (for a soul). And it also… well let it be, just get in touch if you are interested.

Note: If unlike me you would like to fetch warm quarters for your soul after you die, please start reading holy books, attending spiritual sermons and doing other agreeable stuff. Good luck and heavens bless you.

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False alarm

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I have a friend who is obsessed with screaming “oh my God!” at any little thing that happens. When he sees a cute girl he screams “oh my God”, when he sees a bad looking one “oh my God”, when answering his phone “oh my God” and when hanging up his phone “oh my God”. Not a single incidence goes without him signing it off with “oh my God”

On earth this may be nothing more than weird or annoying but you can imagine what ruckus this constant false alarm must cause in heaven. Well, not a ruckus as such but real confusion for sure. Oh my God is something delicate, a trigger phrase, a phrase that prompts action on the part of God. God is a very busy deity, he has to attend to so many matters at the same time and losing even one second comes with severe consequences like: people getting hurt, dying, missing opportunities, losing faith, losing way, stealing, lying, cursing… so many unwanted consequences. Such being the case, it is important that no time is lost; otherwise the world might damn sure go out of balance.

Now, enters my friend with his nonstop “oh my God”. On any given day, God has to prevent a lot of bad things from happening and he has to ensure a lot of goodness comes to life. Being unbiased, God attends to every single person’s request with equal enthusiasm and without delay. This friend of mine going about screaming oh my God all the time, must be use up a lot of God’s attention, hmm…all for nothing.

Possibly as a kid the dude would scream “oh my God” all the time and every single time God would look forward to showering his love on the poor creature and fixing the matter, be it what it may, but… he  would always strike a disappointment. No doubt he kept it up as he grew older and God kept his love and grace all the way, love and grace he has kept to this day. The thing is, forsaking the dude even once may come with any or all the consequence mentioned earlier, possibly even more. With the dude screaming “oh my God” all the time, there is no telling when he is doing it for a serious reason and when he is doing it merely for pass time and so all his screams must be attended to without fail, hmm… every single God damned time. The all thing must have God going back and forth all the time but to no avail. It must be powerful infuriating I reckon. If it were me I would have learned to ignore the dude by now, but luckily God’s love endures.

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