Cultivating lies


My cousin claims he is sick of lies. He says though they have worked to his advantage on plenty of occasions in the past, he has decided to reduce his usage of them. To explain how he reached about this decision he told me the following:

—My Cousin—

Lies are among the most cheerful growers of all things on earth.  I rarely come across a lie that fails to multiply from its initial single state to a huge family of lies containing all varieties of untruths; big, small and everything in between. Why, just take this instance from last year as an example. At the beginning of last year I began circulating a lie about me having a girlfriend. When my friends got wind of it, they all inquired about “the lucky girl” and so I had to furnish a dozen more lies concerning her name, where we met, her age and stuff like that. After a while my friends got to grow to want to see her. Of course I couldn’t just produce her because she didn’t exist, the only I could do was to make up some excuses (lies). It wasn’t long before I started running out of excuses though because… you know, we live in a small town and you have to stressfully structure your life not to be seen by everyone to actually not be seen by everyone. Further excuses wouldn’t do. So what was I to do when my lies threatened to catch up with me?  Lie more of course. Well actually what I did was to edit the original lie a little and say “we met online” and “she lives in the next town”. I thought that would fetch me a break but boy was I wrong.

Before I knew it, it was Valentine’s Day. A few day before Valentine’s love was in the air – as per usual I guess – and my friends were expecting me to go and visit my girlfriend or for her to come and visit me. Just one problem there, the girl existed not. I tried to find a her girl who was willingly to pretend to be my girlfriend only on Valentine’s Day but all the girls I talked to said it was a stupid idea and turned me down coldly so I ended up just locking myself in the house for a couple of days – Valentine’s Eve and Valentine’s Day – to create the impression that I had travelled. Then I produced myself and told my friends that I had had a “wonderful VD with my girlfriend” My friends innocently asked for pictures, so again I had to use up my creativity in furnishing another lie. At this point I thought to myself that I had cultivated my lie so well that it could easily survive on its own and hence let me have an easier time of it.  But I soon found out different. People never want to just mind their own business as you know and my people – friends and family wouldn’t let the girlfriend issue rest.  Finally I couldn’t take it any more and decided I needed to come up with a lie that would redeem me. The only lie that could reasonably save me was this I judged “my girlfriend and I have broken up” and it saved me sure enough, thank God.

Now, I am not going to tell you to never ever lie because a dude has to lie every once in a while but try your best not to. Do it only when its necessary. I say this not because I want you to be a better person but for your piece of mind.

—The end—

“And that is all he said about the matter, before I put my two cents in and changed the topic” – C.W


A bright future


Last Friday (night) I was at a snooker club with my uncle and his best friend.  At some point during the night my uncle’s best friend and I had a private conversation as follows:

Uncle’s best friend: Colstar Web, how old might you be?

Colstar Web (reluctantly): Hmm…21

Ubf: I judged so. And let me guess, you don’t smoke or drink beer or have a girlfriend. And I am damn sure you…

Cw (interrupts): Hold your horse’s right there sir, who says I don’t have a girlfriend?

Ubf: Well…, do you?

Cw:  I don’t have to answer that, that’s my business

Ubf (laughs, and then speaks as if to himself): Nerds get mighty irritated when asked about girls, indeed they do.

Cw: That may be so or… it may not be so, but what in the devils name is the matter with you. Who gives you the right to make such allegations?

Ubf (laughs): Calm down, calm down. I only touched on those points because you remind of your uncle 25 years ago.

Cw: I do, do I?

Ubf: More than you will ever know. At your age, you uncle did not smoke or drink beer or have a girlfriend just like you.

Cw: Why do you keep saying I don’t have a girlfriend? Seriously…

Ubf: Come, don’t be shy; it’s pretty obvious that you don’t. You are the perfect picture of a dude without a girlfriend, your whole being screams “single forever!”. Anyway, believe it or not your uncle was just like you at your age. Yes, just like you, perhaps a little nerdier than you. That was a couple of years before things dramatically changed, extremely late bloomers… you know.

At the age of 23 he graduated from college and shortly after that he got a job. A few weeks of working encouraged him to take up drinking, he claimed it was necessary to help him loosen up on the weekends and besides he could “afford it”. We were all, hmm…his friends I mean, very pleased to hear this. We had long being trying to get him drinking but with considerable failure.

At 25 he got a girl pregnant, partly thanks to his increased drinking and he quickly married her, hmm… family issues you know. A few years into his marriage he started smoking, claiming it helped him calm his nerves, he was so stressed. As years went by he adopted many more things he was not exactly fond of when he was younger and now he is the care free, beer gulping, smoke puffing dude you know today. Looking at you, I have a feeling your life might turn out to be a copy of his. Good thing is…you have got his experience to learn from, so should be fine.

Just then my uncle joined us at the table with some Carlsberg bottles in his hands. The conversation had to end then but it left me wondering. I wonder how people can tell if you have a girlfriend or not without being told so and without having any prior knowledge about you. Other than that I wonder how my life is going to be when I take up beer drinking and getting girls pregnant as activities for pass time. It will most definitely rock I reckon, but the only problem is…where do I begin?


My bad boy dream


Until a couple years ago I was obsessed with becoming a ‘bad boy’. I still have hopes of becoming one in the future but something tells me I am not destined to fulfil that lofty dream. Anyway, I always wanted to be a bad boy back in the days because I noticed when I was kid that the bad boys pulled all the stunts, got all the attention, all the girls and when they ran into misfortune everyone would rush to their rescue, being overwhelmed with sympathy.

And the good boys? Well, they did all the work, got zero attention, not a single girl and when they ran into misfortune no one would intervene, the boys being so good they could take care of themselves. That was the general way of things anyway, there was one exception. I happened to know one boy who was extremely good and got everything, arrogant Mr. Perfect, he would always…but I will let him alone.

So, as I said in the opening remark, I was obsessed with becoming a bad boy, a bad boy for life like Puff Daddy or P Diddy or whatever in the devils name he calls himself at present. To help me on my quest, I would sit up all night watching movies and music videos and noting every single thing the bad guys did, so that I could do that also. I put my notes to good use too. I tried wearing my pants backwards like the rap dual Kriss Kross, but that was a failure. I tried booby trapping  my house like the Home Alone kid, another failure. I tried so many other things, all failures. My cousin says I made the mistake of emulating the good guys but I think the real problem was that everyone mistook me for a good boy from day one. My mother mistook me for a good son, my sister mistook for a good brother, the kids in my neighbourhood mistook me for a good friend and in school… my teachers went as far as believing me to be a smart kid. As such, all the bad things I did were brushed away as honest mistakes. The reader cannot begin to imagine my disappointment at this large misunderstanding. It was so heart breaking.  With everyone not satisfied with the pain they were inflicting on me by suppressing my bad boy image, they went further and loaded me with responsibilities and duties, calculated at it keeping me ever so good.

The ultimate result could not be more than my not at all appealing swagger, overly serious attitude and emotional instability. If I had been let alone to be a bad boy like I always wanted, how would things be now? I would have a girlfriend no doubt and I would be envied and respected by everyone. Looking back now, I feel so hard done by and I will never forg… but these thoughts might trigger my depression, I’m going to bed.